Chewing the body of Christ

Chewing the body of Christ.

I didn’t grow up in the church. I was baptised as an infant but my family never attended.  Because of this, much of my understanding of church practices has been acquired over time, through observation, reading or questions.  This includes the Lord’s Supper or Communion.

I understand what is going on, I understood what the bread and wine symbolise but there are some small intricacies that, because I was taught about it as a child, I have had to ‘make up’ or learn along the way.

In the past year, I have discovered on the little quirks, I picked up.  And more than a quirk, I realised it has become a potentially dangerous unbelief.

I feel uncomfortable chewing the bread.

Sounds innocent enough right?  I let the bread melt or dissolve in my mouth and move on to the ‘wine’ or grape juice.  It gives more time for reflection right? It’s probably more holy not to chew Jesus symbolic body.  Except that’s the point.

You see, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t like to admit that my actions have caused the brokenness of Christ. I want to be passive in whole of Jesus sacrifice on the cross. So I don’t chew, I don’t add any more salt to the wounds.

But I am responsible. Jesus death didn’t happen 2000 years ago for other people and I just jumped on the bandwagon later. It happened for my sins now, the mistakes I make on a daily basis.  I can’t lessen the pain that I have already caused him.  I can’t pretend that I didn’t drive one of those nails into his hands.

It’s just symbolic body, but it’s also a symbolic act of wanting to be passive in something I can never be passive in.

It was a shock when God revealed it to me, I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true.  The next time I took communion, I was very deliberate to chew the bread. 

AND I FELT SO GUILTY.

Yep definitely trying to avoid being responsible. Now I take in that feeling of guilt and use it, because I am guilty.  I need to remember that Jesus died because of me.

Because of me.

What a blessing! The significance is so much more when I feel that guilt and responsibility.  I am not going through the motions remembering a past event.  I am praising him, thanking him, begging for forgiveness. Loving him for the way He loved me.

Amazing man.

Amazing God.

Thank you Jesus.  I am so sorry for the sins I commit, for the lessons I don’t learn and the pride I hold when I think I am doing ‘well enough’.  You died for me.  You died because of me.  You died in place of me.  I can never thank you enough. I can never show my love for you enough.

With much love…

Useless

I have been using this word a lot lately, too much. Useless.

I am a useless human being.  I am a useless Christian.  I am useless at prayer.  I am useless.

It’s not a helpful word. Maybe I think I’m being humble, recognising my shortcomings, acknowledging my sins. But it’s not helpful and I’m not sure it’s true. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! Are there things I’m not good at? Absolutely! Is it my fault that I fail at things? Sometimes, for sure. But, useless…

As I drove back from my childhood home to my current residence, I listened to an audio book by John Eldridge “Walking with God”.  In his book, a series of reflective stories from a year of intentional walking with God, he posed a question to himself and God.  “God, how am I going? How do I think I am going?”

As I drove along thinking about this question for myself, guess what word came up again? Yep, useless.

I know that it wasn’t an answer from God (because I was filled with such an overwhelming sense of disheartenment and God tells us that “we will know them by their fruits”.  God does not cause disheartenment, he instils hope!) therefore it must be my thinking.  Ouch, I honestly think that I am useless?

Sometimes we get into a habit of using unhelpful words, be it cursing, using the Lords name in vain, descriptive words, or even non words such as grunts or sighs.  But the words we use both aloud and internally, have a huge impact on us.  As I tell myself that I am useless, I take away my ability to improve, to change, to get any better.  The more I tell myself the less likely I am to make any progress.

No doubt there is also an element of spiritual attack in all this.  The devil does love to jump in on our weaknesses. But I have the best fighter on my side, one who has already won this battle.  I don’t need to listen to that voice that tells me I am useless.

Jesus tells me I am loved.  He sent me His Spirit to dwell within me.  He is by my side always.  How can I be useless if I have the Spirit God inside me? It’s not possible.

As I said, I am not perfect, I have a long way to go before I am truly Christ-like, but I have the Spirit helping me.  I am not useless.  I am able to grow and change with God’s help.

With much love…

Obedience or willful ignorance.

I was recently challenged about my lack of prayer and why I don't seek God’s advice on the things that happen in my life.  It has been something that I have been working on for years.  Prayer is something that I have always struggled with and I am yet to work out the root of the issue however the recently challenge may help to sort out some of my misguided thinking about talking to my heavenly Father.

The answer given to me, that really struck a truth chord, is that I don’t want to know what God thinks or wants of me because then I have to actively choose whether to obey.  If I don’t ask, then I don’t know and (theoretically) I can’t get into trouble for doing the wrong thing.

Sigh

Can I be more wrong?

I am willfully ignorant; I choose not to ask because I don’t want to know the answer.  I don’t like the idea of choosing to disobey when I don’t like what God wants or feeling guilty when know the right thing to do but don’t do it.  Being ignorant takes that choice away; the choice to be (or not be) obedient.

It’s a challenge.  I know I HATE doing the wrong thing.  I LIKE being GOOD. But sometimes that is hard.  The right thing can be painful, hard work or just plain unpleasant. 

Father, I am sorry for avoiding you.  I am sorry that by not seeking after you I am giving myself permission to sin against you. I am sorry that my selfishness has possibly caused pain for others and more work for myself.  Father, help me to seek after you, help me to remember to ask you what you would have me do so that I can follow your will. Help me to choose obedience over willful ignorance.

With much love…

Life, with much love and much pain.

I have been absent from the Blog for a few years now and it has certainly been an eventful few years; a difficult time both for myself and for many others around me. While I am not going to go into the particulars of the pain that has been surrounding me I will say that it has to do with loss. Pretty much every painful event for us has involved the loss of someone or something we love. It has been physical loss, mental loss, heartache, and loss of dreams.   It has been a really difficult 2 years.

During this time I have also moved house twice, we have been in the process of moving and rebuilding our church community and in the middle of a major reorganisation of our employees within our school community.  A lot of change and a lot of pain but God has been teaching me a number of important truths during this whole process.

While life changes and things we love leave us, God never changes and God never leaves us.

This is something that I am so thankful for.  I have often had trouble remembering this, feeling alone and lost, but I have been reminded so many times that He never leaves, He is with us always.  God promised that he would never leave us, Jesus promised to be with us always and He sent us the Holy Spirit to dwell within us so that we are NEVER alone, no matter how painful or lost we are feeling. 
This past year I have often returned to a phrase that I used during the darkest times of my fight with Depression “There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there, but I cannot see it”.  I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is God, and I also know that this train that I am travelling on is driven by Jesus.  When the tunnel gets dark you don’t jump off the train, you trust the driver to get you through.  I trust Jesus in the darkest of tunnels. 

God is working through our adversities for our benefit and His glory.

Wow is this ever a hard one.  I am still trying to trust this truth in my heart, but I wholehearted believe it, academically. I know that God is good, He wants the best for us, He is in control, and He is wise.  This means that nothing that happens to us is out of God’s hands, He is in all these events (even when I think it would be easier to understand if he wasn’t) and He is in control of them. He also knows what is best for us, He knows all the possible outcomes, He knows what we need and what we will need in the future. He also loves us, more than we can even begin to imagine.  He would do anything to spare us pain, in fact He lay down His life so that we would never have to experience the worst kind of pain. So I trust God is working through these difficult times, even though I don’t know how.

God loves me. (and you)

This is another challenging one, although I wish it wasn’t. To see what has been going on around me, to see the pain of people I love, it has been a challenge to believe that God actually loves us and cares about us. BUT, even when I don’t FEEL love academically, when I see what God has done for me over and over again, the big and the little things, I know that He loves us.

This past time has been difficult, and may not get easier anytime soon, but I know that God is there, He is working through these things and He loves me.  And still throughout it all He challenges me and seeks after me to know Him more and more.

I love that.

With much love…